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In one of my theatre classes this semester (the performance text), we are doing some REALLY interesting, very controversial performances. Our assignment is to make the TEXT of a piece secondary to a specific mechanism (mechanism depends on the group that you're in.) and there has to be a political meaning/message in your performance that has to do with your mechanisms.

In the performance today, (group was 'subverting genre')the group was stopping people at the door and checking to see if peoples names were "on the VIP list" to get into the performance. The non-TDS program students names were not on the list so we had to wait outside the theatre (there's only about 8 of us). They told us there was not enough seats for us so we'd have to stand in the back (there were tons of seats left, but they made us stand @ the back) They did a comedia Dell Arte performance of The Importance of Being Earnest, there was one person in he group who was a non-TDSer and they manipulated the text so that so that it was mocking him.
I felt a bit embarassed walking in late while the TDS students were already seating pretty, but I knew it was just part of their performance mechanisms.

When they performance ended we were sent outside to complete a questionnaire, then the TDS stdents were led back in. The rest of us were told to stand in a straight line outside the door, they then put blindfolds on us, told us to hold hands and led us into the theatre---on stage. They put us in a circle facing out and after a few nerve racking minutes told us to take off our blindfolds.
When we did, we were faced with the (much larger) group of TDS students making an outer circle facing us. They did the performance again, but during it the TDS kids were given lines by the group to say (when the group members indicated) ridiculing the non-TDS students in the class. (saying that we were 'wannabes' or stupid or terrible actors or that we didn't belong there or that they were better than us or no wondering they didn't get into TDS etc.) Then the TDS students walked the circle around us and were led back into the audience. The lights went down.

During the performance after I had taken off my blindfold, I was face to face with a girl I don't really know, I know her name, but I don't know her. In my field of view I could see about 5 TDSers, and while they were saying their lines about us, I was desperately trying to make eye contact with the ones I could see, hoping for some sort of "look" to indicate that they didn't mean what they were saying. Not one of them looked up.
During the class discussion we found out that those were all actually things that were said about us by the TDS students at one point in time. I feel very humiliated. I wanted to write this down so that I can remember this feeling and this expirience, because I've never been to(/ a part of) a performance that has affected me this much before.
During our discussion they got vry defensive saying that the lines were taken out of context or that they were jokes, but looking @ the piece from a 'political message' standpoint, I understand that this is a comment on discrimination/prejudice in general. We all can make racist comments and say that they are a joke...but are we not then still racist?

Anyways, this feeling is really staying with me. I went to pilates and have been sitting in the cafe for about an hour now and this feeling is still resonating. I wanted to cry when I was up on stage hearing those things. I feel so humiliated, because I WANTED to be a part of that, and I probably would have looked down on the non-TDSers if I was one. So I just feel really...humiliated.

I must say, I can really appreciate a performance that creates an emotion in me that refuses to go away.
* * *
Fire burning inside my soul
There is a passion inside me
Waiting to be free
I am a force of nature
Waiting to unleash my light on the World
My heart beats to create
I feel different, I feel special
I'm a dynamo
I'm an artist, a creator,
A dreamer, a lover,
A fighter
I am excited, I am alive
I am inspired,
But I have no where to go.
And I am trapped inside a box.
* * *
as i write this, i feel so happy, but also scared out of my wits.

a week ago today it happened,
i was in guelph to visit some girlfriends, derek texted me and said that he wanted to get together for lunch while i was there. i was really nervous to go, because i didn't want to be setting myself up for disaster.
that week, he had started acting strange, i didn't talk to him all week and he started writing things on my facebook wall everyday, and then on the wednesday we talked on msn for almost 3 hours, and he wanted to go on ichat. he was acting very flirty, but i was afraid i was getting the wrong message and that i'd be going to lunch with false hopes in my head.

i had so much fun friday night with my girls, then saturday came and it was time for lunch.
he took the bus to meet me @ my friends house then i drove us to east side marios. it was a tad awkward, i can't lie. we talked about school, work, boring small talk. i was obviously distracted with my thoughts the whole time and he asked me if there was something on my mind. i said no.

out of nowhere he said 'this week i've been thinking alot, about what you said at west 7' (we had a very heated discussion, i told him i know that he's depressed.) he said 'i think i was, and am depressed.' i could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes, because i knew we'd have a tough talk ahead of us, and i didn't know which way it was going to go. he said 'i think that's why i broke up with you, because i wasn't feeling myself, i felt like something was wrong, i didnt want to do anything or be around anyone. and that's why' i had to excuse myself to the washroom because i could feel myself starting to cry.

when i came back the bill was ready--he had already paid (which was a very nice surprise) i asked him if he wanted to go somewhere quite to talk, but he said no. then i drove him home, and i was very surprised when he invited me in to watch planet earth.

we went upstairs to his room and sat on his bed and watched it on his laptop, the whole time my mind was racing, as i'm sure his was too. he was still acting very flirty, sitting very close to me etc. then he started to play-fight me, so i went along with it. he knocked me on my back (on his bed) and then he just looked in my eyes for a few seconds.....

then he kissed me. and it was the most passionite, electric moment of my life. we proceeded to make out and such for a looong time, i felt like i was in heaven. it felt so good to feel his hands on me again, and i could tell he felt the same, as he kept pulling me closer and closer and just the way he was touching my body i could tell that he missed me. when things cool down he looked at me and said 'i really do love you'
i melted, and at that point i couldn't keep in my tears and i just started to cry. and he hugged me and kissed me and held me and told me that he'd made the biggest mistake and that he missed me and that he loves me so much. and he just kept wanting to hug me and kiss me.

we talked about what was going to happen, and we decided that we're taking a step back, and not just jumping right back into things. he wanted me to try and keep it a secret (which i failed to do in less than 24 hours). i know he doesnt want people to know, because he doesnt want people telling him 'i told you so'.

i went to see him on thursday, and i was feeling scared, i started to cry and told him i was scared and tat i didnt want my heartbroken again, and he said he was going to try his best, and that i should just know that he loves me. and he asked me if i was afraid when we first started dated, i said of course not, and he said just think of it like that, like we're starting all over, and don't be afraid to be in love.

i am on a cloud, and it feels so good. i feel like i can smile again and actually mean it.
* * *
so alone so alone so alone so alone so alone so alone.
i hate missing you like this.
please change your mind.
Current Music:
the one you knew - joshua radin
* * *
i don't like being back at school.
it makes me remember november, and it's opened all my wounds again.
my friends who i haven't seen since the end of november all want updates
and to know how im doing,
so i feel like i'm just re-hashing everything over and over again.
and it's very taxing.

i have never felt this alone.
with my confidante gone back to guelph,
and with derek off doing his own thing.
i really have never felt this alone.

i know i have friends who are there for me,
but none as true as the ones who are too far away to cry on their shoulder.

i hadn't cried for a long time,
but lately, that's all i feel like doing.

as sad as it is,
i can't help but keep convincing myself that he's going to want me back.
i still think that, i have myself convinced.
but i think if he does it's going to take a long time for him to realize it.

i'm just so alone.
i need him.
i don't like being like this.
i need...something!!
i'm so frustrated and lost and trapped and alone.
Current Music:
heavy soul - the black keys
* * *
It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love we've been working on

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms

We're going down
And you can see it too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand

We're going down
And you can see it too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

Go cry about it, why don't you?
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Current Music:
slow dancing in a burning room - john mayer
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I'm actually REALLY excited and proud about the fact that I CAN live my life without him.
When we were dating and I though about us breaking up,
I always thought that I would be a puddle of mush and just hibernate in my room forever.

But I've been pleasantly surprised by my maturity in the situation,
So I am going to take this moment to just smile and be happy that I'm me.
I don't need some idiot 19 year old boy to make myself whole.
I am and always have been who I am all by myself.

I'm so glad that I'm still living my life and having fun and going out with my friends
and having a good time and just enjoying my youth.
I'm glad that I'm not wasting my time sitting around waiting for him to call.
Because honestly, I DON'T care anymore.

I KNOW that he thinks when I try to communicate with him it's because I'm trying to win him back.
IT'S NOT.
It's because I still feel sorry for him because I know he's not happy and I know since he's been home since the 19th he has hung out with ONE friend. (While I've been out almost everyday with mine)
Unfortunatley I DO still care about him, and I'm slightly worried because I really DON'T know what's going on with him, and everyone thinks there must be something.

My sister told me yesterday that I could get another boyfriend in 5 minutes---and not that I'm looking, but last night I discovered that I TOTALLY could if I wanted. (Not that I'm bragging about being the hottest chick around or anything!!) But I mean, when I was out last night and guys from high school found out I wasn't dating him anymore, they actually seemed interesting. I actually had like 4 people as me to dance! And that's something that's new to me again! I'd NEVER been to a club and could actually dance with guys! It was nice.
And I know that this other fella that I mentioned before likes me, I'm absolutley sure of it.
I'm just not looking for another relationship right now, I'm just trying to keep myself on the right track.

If something was to happen with Derek and I, I know that I'd give him another chance, because that's the kind of person I am, and I do still love him and care about him. But right now I am NOT sitting around waiting for that. Because EVERYONE but him seems to know that he's throwing away something great.

So I guess this was just a self-empowerment entry because that's how I'm feeling right now!
I'm feeling proud and excited with this side of me that I have discovered!!! let's just hope it lasts
So FUCK YOU, GROW UP and GROW A PAIR! :)
Current Mood:
flirty flirty
Current Music:
sober-pink
* * *
In a couple things completely unrelated to my love life...
Friday I had one of my best performances everrrrr!!!
I am so proud of it and I think it turned out great.
Even the kids from TDS were telling me how well I did.
I really do have Paolo to thank though, he is SUCH a great actor,
so it was really easy to react off of him.
It felt great to be back on stage with a good performance.
I hope that next term we get to do more performing!!
I'm also a tiny bit upset that I only got a 60 in that class....because I worked SO hard!
And I am SO mad that I could've got a 70 if only the goddamn printing system at UofT could be a bit more reliable (long, sad story involving me getting a 10% late penalty for not being able to hand it in in time!)

Speaking of which, on friday I went to Theatre Night @ my old High School.
I was pleasantly surprised by a few of the scenes!
I miss theatre nights! Staying after school so late rehearsing and dedicating my life to it. :)
It was great to see Ms J & Mr K, they were really glad to see me it seemed!
Ms J is pregnant and I'm so happy for her!! Mr K was really interested in what I was
learning in my theatre classes. :) I'll have to go visit again soon to see Mrs Treichel.

Now back to that other shit...
Friday night I STUPIDLY called Derek,
because I was BREWING with anger over that whole facebook thing.(goddamn facebook!)
And I did something I NEVER EVER do (not only to him but to ANYONE)
I yelled and screamed my fool head off!!
I was really not myself, I'm not like that, I don't know what happened.
He told me some stuff that I wish I hadn't heard.
Like that he didn't see me as a GF anymore.
I still can't bring myself to believe this is it!!!
I'm still (pathetically enough) holding onto the fact that he's coming home
next week and might change his mind.

Oh! And I'm putting up the Christmas tree today!!! Exciting!!!
Current Music:
Good Day - Nappy Roots
* * *
FAAAAACKK!!!!!

ALWAYS when I'm doing well and feeling good SOMETHING has to bring me back down.
I had an AMAZING performance today, I'm DONE school for a month, I've been having a great time with my friends, someone called me beautiful today :)

THEN, I go on facebook and see that a friend who is unaware of me/derek's current situation wrote on his wall
"Derek, you're such a luck guy. Caitlin is such an angel"
She didn't know what was going on at all. So she actually meant it! (AND ITS TRUE TOO!)
To make matters worse, I happened to look @ his profile later today....and he had DELETED IT!!!!!

My heart just sunk!!! I can't believe it!!
A bit later he talked to me on MSN (our first form of communication since I saw him on sunday)
Made with the small talk and then said "did you see what your friend wrote on my wall"
I said yeah and asked him why he deleted it and he said "Because I did. It wasn't appropriate"
!!!!!!!!
WHAT!? WHAT WHAT WHAAAAT?!?! Je ne comprende pas!!!
Then he says "I hope you're not getting upset about this"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, not at all! DOUCHE.

Wow. like wowowow. I know my friend didn't mean to cause any drama so I'm obviously not angry at her.
I'm actually glad she did it...because it got QUITE an interesting reaction.

Hm....well. What are you going to do. C'est la vie.
I had a great performance, I'm DONE school, I have plans tonight, I don't need you.
fuuuuckity fuck. I am soooo unimpressed.
Current Music:
Jerk-Kim Stockwood
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You're a bad boy for breaking my heart.


I can barely stop thinking about you.
I hope you're doing alright.
I hope yesterday was okay for you.
I wish I would've heard from you.
But I'm not contacting you anymore, it's up to you now.

There's someone that everyone keeps telling me is interested in me, I've been hanging around him often.
My horoscope told me that I should be weary of people who buy me things, because there's no such thing as something for nothing. I immediatley knew it was about said fellow. He's always buying me things (coffee, sushi, mcchickens, etc) I don't really like him. My mind is still always on...."you"! But it's nice to know that there is someone else in the world who finds me at least semi-attractive, and I am a bit guilty of being flirty.
And if I so happen to relapse into my old ways....so be it.

Do me a favour and just stop being so stupid.
It feel like an eternity since I've talked to you.
Why did I go see you on sunday?
Why did you have to call me?
Why did you have to smile at me like you used to?
Why did you have to hug me like you used to?
I hope you're not just getting my hopes up.
I miss you so damn much.

I'm thinking about you less and less, which is to say, maybe....20 hours a day now instead of 24.
I still cry everyday. Even if it's just for 5 minutes.
It's going to take a while to fix my broken heart.



ps; scenepartner---why do you give me butterfly tummy??stop being so darn charming!!
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